I woke up this morning thinking about how lazy I’ve become. I stopped working out, stopped doing my nails like I used to, and stopped reading. I need to get on a roll.

I wouldn’t say I’m in love with my boyfriend, or would I?

I love him, but do I know when I’m in love? There are things about him that you would have to look hard to find in guys these days. He’s okay that I’m a virgin, and as tempting as it is for both of us, he urges me to wait. He’s sweet and he risks a whole lot for me. He gave up smoking for me and he even admitted that I’ve “changed” him. Because of me, he said, he’s focusing better in school and he’s not trying to impress these other irrelevant people. I even made his vocabulary better, haha. And I will admit, he changed me too. He made me more open to express my feelings towards him, because in past relationships, I was just “the girl he was dating”. To him, I am his queen. And he is my king. This is cliche, but it is true. We get mad at each other a whole lot, but our arguments are over serious issues. We have countless insiders and our jokes on each other are oh-so corny. Nah, I’m not in love with the kid, but it’s getting pretty close. It feels great to have someone who cares so deeply about you. Someone who loves you and doesn’t care about your flaws. Someone who is so goddamn attractive and can find someone else in this world who’s better looking and is willing to give “it” up within .5 seconds, but they chose you. Someone who’s a complete opposite, but connect with such passion and understanding. Maybe I am in love with him… 

If you ask me about my insecurities, I think the list wouldn’t be big, but it wouldn’t be little either. I think my forehead is huge and unattractive, my hair isn’t as healthy as it used to be, no matter how many times I try to help it, my nose is weird like a pig’s nose, I’m skinny with a huge ass, my breasts are tiny, my teeth aren’t the straightest, my voice is deep and nasally. I look in the mirror everyday and look at the things I hate on my body and compare them to the ups on myself. Like, my eyes, they’re a pretty round shape. My hairs natural and that gives me a variety of things I can do to it. My ass is round and toned, so it my stomach, with abs. And my lips are full and kissable. And my smile is beautiful. So even though I might not be the prettiest to most, I’m gorgeous to myself, flaws included. Society is so based on looks that girls would do anything to impress others. Focus on what you like and do things that make yourself attractive to you, and I guarantee you will feel 10,000 times better.

Everybody changes. To say you haven’t would be a lie. Like, you change two ways: for better or for worse. You can change because someone hurt you, influenced you, or because you need to. People physically change, through growth, mentality, or appearance. Some change their outlook on life, love, etc. EVERYONE changes in some shape or form. I’ve changed alot growing up. I’ve had my phases of wanting and yearning to be liked by the people surrounding me. I thought I needed people to accept me, needed people to want to be my friends. I dressed like everyone else, did my hair like everyone else, and did stupid shit that everyone thought was “cool”. I dissed the things I liked when my friends didn’t like them. I was lead into peer pressure and started smoking and disobeying my elders. I committed crimes and didn’t give a fuck about my education. But then something hit me, it was like God suddenly woke me up, slapped me in the face, and said “straighten up.” I realized that I didn’t need society’s approval and that half the shit I was doing wasn’t even “cool”. It was stupid and I was stupid for falling into the trap. I stopped hanging out with the people who were bringing me down and found myself a small circle that was there to help me get on the right path. I dressed how I wanted, and stated what I knew was right. I said “no” to stupid things like marijuana, hallucinates, wild parties, sex, and other obnoxious things and focused on becoming a better person. Not just for me, but for my true friends who loved me and my family who was there for me since day 1. People called me lame, wack, corny, a goody-goody, a geek, nerd. But I was living a better life through God, and I was proud of myself. So fuck what anybody says about you. Change for the better, because sometimes change is good. Like I’ve said… everybody changes. It’s your choice on how you do it. 

Being strong minded can be so hard at times. It’s like you’ve got this permanent guard up to protect yourself from getting hurt, to be able to stick to what you believe in, and to not let petty things bother you. But sometimes there’s just that one person who knows exactly how to tear that guard down, piece by piece, completely. And the thing is, they don’t even know that they’re doing. In fact, it’s not them doing it. Want to know how? Because the person you’re blaming doesn’t even talk to you anymore. You never see them, and when you do they act as if you don’t exist, or it’s out of pity. You do it to yourself. You’re letting someone in who isn’t even willing to be there anymore. You’re tearing yourself apart, crying every night over them, thinking about them all the time, and straining yourself with depression, all because of them. Well guess what, lovely? You don’t need them. Any one stupid enough to not want to see that beautiful smile everyday doesn’t deserve to. It doesn’t matter how much you love a person, if they can hurt you without even doing anything, then you need to move on. Easier said than done, I know. But you have to let someone who actually deserves you in. So, yeah, build that wall back up, not to high though. And just be patient. Patience is a virtue. 

Whenever I think that something good is about to possibly happen, it gets fucked up to the 10th degree. This is why I hate being optimistic, even when I have a reason to. Because then with optimism comes expectations, and extreme disappointment, and just total bullshit. I never expect anything out of anyone anymore, because honestly… It’s impossible to even trust anyone nowadays. I usually hate when people say that, But it’s actually true the more that I think about it. Trust comes with expectations as well. And with that, of course… Comes being let down.